Hey, I Got Issues

I’ve asked you for your issues.
You’ve sent them in.
Here are a few from this week…




I forgot to keep in touch with friends during the heart of the pandemic.

Yes, of course you did–we all did. We all had to create small bubbles, and that meant that some people did not get to spend time with general friends or acquaintances. I know it all feels like a fever dream, but remember there were no social events for a year. At least that’s how it was in L.A., it was full lock down. No joke, we had fucking curfews.
If you truly didn’t talk to your best friends during the heart of the pandemic, it’s fine. They’re your friends. Not keeping in touch just means you have a LOT to catch up on. Isn’t this a fun opportunity? Yes. 

Things have just started to feel social again this Spring. I’m seeing friends I haven’t seen since early 2020. We are all emerging from our bubbles with longer hair so start hitting people up.



Got my nails did for my birthday and she made me ugly AF.

Have them removed. Like, now. Like, ASAP. Stop reading, start driving to the salon. 

If we are ground zero and completely out of time here, though, then you just have to own them. Own them like a lesson. Only you can figure out what that lesson is. Replay your appointment in your mind. Is it that you have a hard time speaking your mind? Is it indecision? Whatever it is, the lesson can be your real birthday present to yourself, and it didn’t come at a  grave cost. It’s a pair of nails and I’m sure I’d think they look cute. 

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Baby. You’ll never be ugly AF.

I feel like I love my dog more than my own children. That, and I want to run away and start a new life.

Kids really have beat the shit out of us in the last two years, haven’t they? Well, it’s because they’re unhappy. I wanna run from unhappiness too.

But you know what? You’ve got a great dog. You’ve got a great dog that can sit beside you every night while you try to come up with new and exciting ways to enjoy your family again. Children grow. Your investment into them at the present moment is-short-term. Someday they will be gone in this dependent way forever, and soon. Make the effort instead of wanting to run away. 

Oh, I’m not a complete lunatic. Parenthood is a brutal marathon. You can totally want to run away. Just don’t do it and don’t dwell on these thoughts.
Instead, when you are triggered into wanting to pick up your dog and  leave the house forever, remember this mantra:

 “It’s not about effort, it’s about creative effort. Those idiots will grow out of your house forever and you will miss this.”
Because parenting ease comes in waves. And I assure you, you will miss all of this kid bullshit and you have plenty of years alone with a dog ahead of you.



My 4-year-old says “Oh fucking heck” every time he doesn’t want to follow directions.

Just ignore him completely. He’s four. Pretend you didn’t hear it and pretend you’ve never heard it. Don’t respond, just go about your business like nothing has been said. He will get bored. 

He is teasing you. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Obviously he’s getting some sort of payoff,  some kids love to be reprimanded for teasing you.  So, do not participate. Ignore. Pretend it wasn’t said. Move on. Gaslight him, basically.



My boyfriend won’t say I love you after three years.

What is happening here? Did he ever say it? I have no information, but this is truly a wild thing. I’m guessing at three years, you’ve met his parents. Do they tell him they love him? Has anyone ever said that to him? I guess you have, or you would have made the issue, “My boyfriend and I haven’t said we love each other in three years.” So, I can assume you have told him you love him. And nothing? Nada? 

I repeat, what is happening here? Have a conversation with your boyfriend if it bothers you! Don’t you have that kind of intimacy? Oh my god, of course you don’t, he doesn’t even tell you he loves you. Baby, why do you want this for yourself? Say something, and if your needs aren’t met, leave.

I can taste moldy bread before the mold is even visible yet.

Once I was served a piece of bread that was fully green on the backside and I took a bite out of it. Since then, I’ve been able to pick up the smallest hint of a mold spore. It’s like how the spider bit Spider-Man and gave him superpowers. I’m now 60% mold and I can sense the presence of my fellow fungi at twenty paces.
What I’m trying to say here is, this is a chill skill to possess and not an issue at all.

I’m so tired.

We’re all saying this, this week.
COLLECTIVE EXHAUSTION IS REAL.

Peace.