Hey, I've Got Issues

I left my wallet at a Tim Horton’s three hours away.

If they’ve found it, this isn’t really an issue. If you don’t have Apple pay, or use the Internet to pay for things this is a whole bigger issue. In which case, write me back saying, Help I’m a Luddite. Specificity is important in the advice business.
So long as you have another ID, you'll be fine. The three-hour drive for a coffee will be relaxing. You’ll put on a six-hour podcast about the history of donuts or the history of coffee and when you get halfway through your lesson you’ll arrive at the Tim Hortons. You’ll regale the dazzled employees with your vast knowledge, leave a $5 tip on a $2 coffee, and collect your wallet, promising to call them when you get home safe. Then you’ll listen to the second half of the podcast and finish your masterclass in Boston Creams. All in all, you will end up being a better person than you were before you lost your wallet.


My husband has a cold and is intolerable

Stay away from him and tell him it’s because you don’t want to get sick. Make sure he has fluids, meds, food and whatever he needs at the beginning of the day and then get the hell outta there, ideally “forgetting” your phone so that you can’t receive a string of texts that mostly read, “omg, my noooooooossssseeee.”

I’m attracted to my partner but sometimes when I wake up next to him he looks like Sloth from the Goonies and I’m not attracted to him all day until I see him again later that night.

This sounds mythological. First off, congratulations, because I’m 100% sure you love him. You can’t keep fucking a morning Sloth face at night unless it’s true love. Embrace your Sloth-loving ways, it’s the true path to happiness.


My married friend is having an affair, I’m the only one she can talk to about it but I hate it.

You need to set a boundary. Tell her you understand you’re her only source and it upsets you to know you can’t be there for her, but you just can’t. Tell her your friendship with her is too important. Find another way to communicate with her about her obvious fractured relationships. Help her find a therapist to talk to if she doesn’t already have one. Sometimes the best love is saying no.

Customers at work keep complaining that my playlist is too sad.

I’d see this as a win.