How to Tell Your Kid Your Life Is Fucked Up

“Oh look! It’s the mayor of Valley Village!”

The woman with the small red-haired dog says to my enemy neighbor man. This woman is correct.

It’s eight in the morning and I’m on my porch, listening to her as she continues talking very loudly on the front lawn.

“Where are your dogs, dog man?”

The woman is now speaking to my second favorite neighbor, Michael.
My first favorite neighbor is Michael’s wife.

“I walked them earlier.” Michael replies.

“Those are our Jewish neighbors,” the woman says to her dog about Michael as she and the small red-haired dog move on to Loretta’s lawn.

Henry pulls up and parks the UFO sounding hybrid car. I watch as he gets out in a green skate shirt, carrying a giant bottle of GAIN laundry detergent across the lawn.

“Henry, can I talk to you when you’re done your laundry journey and have nothing to do?”

He goes inside for a couple of minutes and returns.