I Planned to Lose My Virginity

Judy Blume and Oprah scared me to death about losing my virginity.

It hurts. I might not orgasm. I was beyond distressed at the information these icons gave me. Why the hell did I want to do this? (Horniness)

Naturally, I had a drawn-out plan for losing my virginity when I entered high school.

THE PLAN

1. Find a boyfriend and fall in love.

I found my boyfriend sitting in front of me in my math class.

Alex was an identical twin, the submissive twin, because dominant twin vibes are wild. I immediately went home that day to bleach my mustache with Jolen, order contact lenses, and pluck my unibrow.
It worked.

As a hyper-vigilant thinker, I devised a plan to ensure I would not have a shitty first-time. With the knowledge I had, I would circumvent a disaster.

This is how I orchestrated losing my virginity with Alex: