Look, I Wish I Never Knew About Possums

I've done zero research on possums, everything I know about them came from random conversations and movies (definitely not music, unless there's some underground possum Indie-Art-Pop scene I don't know about)

Here's everything I "know" about possums - and by "know," I mean information I've absorbed through osmosis while actively avoiding Google like it's exclusively possum facts now. This is pure hearsay collected from people who definitely weren't possum experts but had VERY strong opinions about marsupials after their fourth drink. Think of this as a Wikipedia page written by your most Water Sign friend at 3 AM while stress-eating Fritos, sitting on their porch.

No fact-checking has occurred, and I'm choosing to keep that streak alive because sometimes ignorance really is bliss, especially when it comes to creatures that look like they were designed by Tim Burton during a fever dream.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

1. They're such dum dums that their go-to defense mechanism is literally fainting. Same girl, but at least I wake up in my bed, not in the bushes between a house and Ralph’s.

2. Their mouths are basically horror movie props with teeth that look like they were designed by someone who hates teeth.

3. Their fur situation is what happens when you order "mammal hair" from Wish.com. Like someone described "hair" over a bad phone connection and this is what showed up three months later.

4. Their tails look like they stole them from a rat who was already having a bad tail day.

5. The babies ride their mom around blind for MONTHS like the world's saddest circus act. If one falls off? Done. But here's the truly traumatic part - you might see one of these lost babies, and it'll look like the cutest thing Pixar never animated, like a tiny baby mink with cocker spaniel eyes. Then it vanishes into the darkness like your lil’ hopes and dreams, and you're left dry heaving in your driveway at 2 AM and hitting your water bong.

6. Their vision is so bad, they probably think I'm attractive.

7. They live 2-3 years, which honestly might be a mercy at this point.

8. Their feet and nails look like evolution had a clearance sale.

9. They're nocturnal (because of course they are - they're tiny vampires but instead of being all broody in a castle, they're living their trash panda life in your garbage bin looking like they just rolled out of a coffin after a 200-year nap).​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

10. They hiss like cats, except it's less "don't touch me" and more "I'm just as scared of me as you are."

I'll fact-check this later* (*I absolutely will not fact-check this later because my therapist says I'm already carrying enough baggage without adding "detailed possum knowledge" to the mix). Some things in life are better left mysterious, like why we park in driveways and drive in parkways, or what possums are actually doing with their lives besides making me question everything I know about evolutionary design choices.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Thank you for your time, become a paid subscriber for more.

Kelly xx

Dedicated to: David Lynch