If there’s one thing I’ve learned this week, it’s that if you say Charli XCX wrote a song about Taylor Swift, people are nosy and curious and invested enough in these artists’ lives to make the song go up 400% in listens.
The same goes for reality TV. We’re addicted for the same reasons we loved soap operas. We want drama. We want reveals. We want to watch people who thought they were in control realize they never were.
So here’s my pitch.
THE LOVERS.
I’m pitching this like it’s fiction, but this is the origin daydream for the unscripted celebrity reality…
THE PITCH:
Kylie Jenner-TYPE and Timothée Chalamet-type are on vacation. Someone recognizes them and yells something cruel. A bystander filming the whole thing laughs and says, “The Reddit was right about you.”
So they look.
They find an entire subreddit dedicated to hating them. Thousands of people dissecting their every move, their relationship, their clothing choices, their perceived authenticity. Page after page of strangers who have built an entire community around their mutual dislike of two people they’ve never met.
Instead of ignoring it like their publicists beg them to, they decide to make a show.
Kylie’s first move is hiring a hacker. Not for anything illegal. Just to collect usernames and IP addresses from the subreddit. This takes months. She becomes obsessed. She’s investigating these people the way they’ve been investigating her. Reading through their comment histories. Cross-referencing their posts across platforms. Building psychological profiles.
She’s looking for the fifteen most asinine characters in the subreddit. Not the cruelest necessarily. The most entertaining. The ones with the best personalities for television. The ones whose own contradictions and chaos will make for compelling viewing.
She finds a mother of three who posts forty times a day analyzing Kylie’s parenting. A guy who writes thousand-word essays about Timothée’s acting choices while working at Subway. A woman who tracks Kylie’s location based on background details in Instagram stories. A film student who’s convinced Timothée is secretly miserable and communicating through blinks.
These are her contestants.
The fifteen people receive identical messages. They’ve been selected for a new reality show based on their subreddit.
SURVIVOR MEETS LOVE ISLAND.
A chance to meet the other members in person. A month on a private resort island doing challenges and competitions related to their favorite topic. A chance to win a million dollars. All expenses paid.
The subreddit explodes with excitement. People are comparing usernames trying to figure out who got selected. Theory threads about what the show will be. Jealousy from members who didn’t get picked. The fifteen chosen ones are celebrities now within their little community.
They arrive at the island buzzing with anticipation. Finally meeting their internet friends in real life. Recognizing each other’s usernames. Hugging. Taking photos. Sharing inside jokes from comment threads. They’re giddy. This is their moment.
They gather at the main pavilion for the welcome ceremony. They’re laughing and chatting and speculating about what challenges await them. The host is about to come out and explain the rules. The cameras are already rolling.
Kylie walks out.
The entire energy shifts in one second. The gasps are immediate. One person actually falls over. Another starts crying. Several people look like they want to run directly into the ocean. Someone whispers “oh my god” so loudly it echoes.
“Welcome,” Kylie says, smiling. “I know who you are. All of you. Every comment. Every theory. Every lie you’ve spread about me for the past fifteen years. And now we’re going to spend a month together.”
The show isn’t what they expected. There are no fun challenges about their shared interest. No bonding activities. No million dollar prize.
Instead, every episode is a different contestant getting completely exposed on national television.
Kylie reads their search histories out loud. She shows screenshots of their most unhinged posts. She brings in their exes via video call to share embarrassing stories. She displays text messages that contradict everything they’ve said online about their own lives. She reveals their real jobs, their real relationships, the gap between who they pretend to be online and who they actually are.
The mother of three who judges Kylie’s parenting? Her own kids are interviewed about how much time she spends on Reddit instead of with them. The Subway employee film critic? His manager confirms he was fired for watching Timothée interviews on his phone during shifts. The location tracker? Her husband had no idea she was doing this and looks horrified on camera.
It’s humiliation as performance art.
The entire premise is holding a mirror up to people who spent years anonymously tearing others apart.
And they can’t leave because they signed iron-clad contracts with penalty clauses that would bankrupt them, there’s a tropical storm headed their way, and no way out!
The ratings are insane. It becomes the biggest show on television. Everyone is watching. The think pieces write themselves.
One of the contestant is a hacker. She finds the IP addresses of other anonymous accounts in the original subreddit. Accounts that have been active the whole time the show has been filming. Accounts posting about the contestants now on the island.
One of them is Timothée.
He’s been in the subreddit the entire time. Anonymously participating in discussions about himself. Sometimes defending himself subtly. Sometimes agreeing with the criticism. Sometimes just lurking and watching people theorize about his life.
The reveal happens live during an episode. You’ve been exposing us but your boyfriend is one of us? The dynamic flips completely. The hunters have become the hunted.
Anyhow, how are you guys?
Sorry, I love reality TV.
literally laughing out loud. every season could be a new public personality confronting these reddit trolls. i’d like to participate please.
This is absolutely gold. Can I nominate you for some kind of mischief award or something?