Should I Have A Baby: A Field Guide to Fucking Up Your Life in the Most Beautiful Way Possible
Legal disclaimer: This essay contains personal opinions and experiences, not professional advice. Consult actual experts for major life decisions. The author assumes no responsibility for any life choices made after reading this glorified rant.
There comes a moment when every woman realizes the biological clock isn’t just ticking. It’s playing death metal.
So you want a baby. Or think you do. Or someone else thinks you should. The question isn’t whether you’re ready. Nobody’s ready. The question is whether you can survive the aftermath of your own reproductive choices. Spoiler alert: everything you think you know about having children is adorable and wrong.
Here’s the math nobody talks about. First, find a partner worthy to have your child. Think DNA. This sounds clinical, but your body already figured this out. That “twin flame” feeling when you look at someone and think “I want to make tiny humans with this person”? That’s your DNA shopping. If you’re with someone you adore who adores you back, and you love their mother’s face (a kid might have most of it), congratulations. You’ve completed step one.
Step two is the only step that matters: