Twelve Things

1. Los Angeles is spooky when it rains.  It’s these cold-Pacific ocean storm rains. The trees don’t hold. The valley floods as nature intended. Except now we’re all driving through lake-sized puddles. There is a huge storm system over Los Angeles today. My kid is just across the street right now and scared to come home. Rain in LA seems to come at the most dramatic times. It’s like how they used rain in The Craft. Rain in The Craft was spooky as shit. LA is weird.

2. My dad called me to tell me he’s left Canada to go live in a cave in Turkey for a month. I come by my mental conditions very honestly.
   

3. I found this great electrolyte powder called Ultima. Don’t get the lemonade flavor– it tastes like you’ve been given something for a sick person. It’s like you've just been served zero-calorie, aspartame diet lemonade powder that will cure your cold overnight. And look, I know it’s better than that, but the brain really goes to dark places when a person tastes this flavor.
   

4. Why is soup always the brunt of the food jokes? Soup is fucking glorious. Stop fucking with soup. Soup has it all suckers.
   

5. I broke a vase this week. Breaking a vase is ten times worse than breaking a plate. Vases hold memories of flowers. Plates just hold our food to our faces.
   

6. Other than emotional linkages, I don’t think my cats can remember anything farther back than ninety seconds. I think they have predatory instincts to get in bags and boxes and fluff themselves up and walk sideways to intimidate, but sometimes I don’t think they can even remember why they got in the box once they’re in there. Possibly as a survival skill. It honestly seems appealing-ish.
   

7. I was in a car that had an accident this week, and I also witnessed three other car crashes. Everyone was fine in all four instances, but everyone is losing their minds.
   

8. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. Things are wild out here in single-parent COVID land and trying to work from home while your kid homeschools is a really dumb idea. You probably didn’t hear that here first, but you’re hearing it now. Tryig to homeschool your child/ren while working full time without a nanny is totally stupid.
   

9. Prosciutto is pork lox.
   

10. One time, at a warehouse party, I asked someone where the bathroom was and they sent me down a hall that was a dead end. When I returned, they were gone. It was an amazing power move on their part.
    

11. I finally got a candy bowl to put out when guests are over. I’m there. Anyhow, I learned the hard way that you MUST put the candy away after the guests leave or you just end up eating the whole thing and refilling it and then eating it again. And it’s kind of awesome.
    

12. I’ve said it since 2011, but Elon Musk is worse than Dr. Terminus in Pete’s Dragon.