Why Do I Still Think About My Ex?

A Relationship Question from A Subscriber

The following is a letter from a subscriber.

If you would like to submit a relationship issue, email to: kellyoxford@substack.com

I hang on to feelings for an ex long past the due date. Even though I knew we weren’t a good match to begin with, I still think of all the good things they did, even 2 years later. The ease of being in a known relationship seems so appealing vs trying to date…
Seriously - today I was at the farmers market and fondly remembering how he’d just go and get my favourite coffee any time we were there. Or always ask me if I needed anything if he was on the way to my place - and would always grab whatever I asked for. On the flip side, he drank wayyy too much and would be hungover for days which seemed not great at 50. But maybe I’m too high strung.

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This reader said they knew they weren’t a good match, but their “highlight reel” is on repeat in their brain, and they are compounding moments of endorphins at the market into two years worth of memory and endorphins for this man.

The recall and repeat thought cycle of the love shown to us in relationships is normal, but it distorts the actual sum of emotions lived while in the relationship. Repeating memories will distort and update them, as though they did just happen.

I understand wanting easy endorphins, but… why use your Ex to conjure…