I hate my husband and I’m 100% in love with my neighbor!
Definitely announce this at the next neighborhood cookout. Like a gender reveal party. Unfurl a banner that reads, IT WAS TONY ALL ALONG, TEDDY! Get fireworks. Dose the kool aid with mushrooms. Make it a day no one will ever forget. And through it all, please just keep singing, “I hate my husband and I’m 100% in love with my neighbor!!” to anyone who asks how you’re doing.
I can’t unsee ugly or frail hands on a man–deal breaker.
Okay, princess. Leave all the garbage hands to the rest of us. Relax in your canopy bed and wait for Prince Perfecthands.
My vibrator died mid-session.
The worst. Not bouncing back from that unless you’ve got two vibrators. See: buy a second vibrator.
Migraine.
A neurologist (which I, to be clear, am not) once gave me this advice: onset of migraine take ½ a Benadryl, extra-strength Advil, extra-strength Tylenol and drink a can of Coca-Cola. Between the sugar, caffeine, antihistamine and painkillers, the combination mimics a triptan. But in my experience, if you don’t catch it within the first hour, the migraine will do what the migraine does. Trying to have control over a migraine is like trying to put a cat in a dress while carrying a garbage bag full of water with one arm and threading a camel through the eye of a needle with the other (shout out to, Luke the Evangelist)
I’m leaving my husband for my one true love and I’m dying from guilt.
Guilt is like grief in a lot of ways. It is molten, it gets in all the nooks and crannies and stagnates. You and your true love are upending your husband’s life and you know it. That’s a lot to unpack. Get a therapist, this is beyond whatever you’re capable of doing yourself. Whatever you do, be conscious not to depend on your ex to make you feel better about your guilt. You are building your own new life here. And, yes the process is fucking terrible, but true love is worth it.
Morning sickness and throwing up daily and husband running out of sympathy.
I threw up throughout all my three pregnancies; there was no way I could expect sympathy for 27 months of our lives. I wouldn’t want that. Girl, you know that’s sad.
You need to hear this: buck up because the sickness is preparing your body for the chaos to come. It doesn’t get easier from here. It gets heavier and crampier and, yes, even more exhausting. He won’t understand the monotony of the pregnancy. Get over it. Quickly. Don’t resent him. It’s a long-assed pregnancy, and you gotta take the sympathy when he gives it and really let him know how much you appreciate a little empathy now and again.
When I was having a terrible time with my first pregnancy I dove into writing and didn’t stop. You need to find yourself a new routine during this pregnancy that you can transition into your activity during the baby’s nap times. Giving yourself time to do your own passion always improves how a person feels about themselves, it also gives you some time away from your spouse while feeling good about yourself… which sounds like maybe a good idea?
I have 5 children.
Thoughts and prayers.
My room is covered in clothes and shit it’s insane and it’s been months - help!
Organize dirty and clean clothes into piles.
Color sort them and start laundry.
Get the empty hangers from the closet and throw them on your bed.
Hang clothes that are clean.
If you meant literal real shit, use bleach.
All I want to do is garden, drink red wine + coke, and sit in the sun with my dogs.
Best one yet.