Notes from the inside
One would suppose an important step in medicating a person is that they’ve had a proper diagnosis. I have never been properly diagnosed with mental conditions. At nineteen, I was told I had Anxiety Disorder. Copy that.
Three years ago it occurred to me that my Anxiety Disorder was probably a symptom of something larger. I noticed my brain would scramble in arguments, I noticed my obsessions had become so all consuming that I was neglecting myself. My brain moves too fast.
At the top of 2019, I got a new psychiatrist and for six months I was told I was BPII. The medicine for BP did not do anything for me, the psychiatrist then changed her mind and said OCD, ADD, spectrum. I was given so many different drugs, sometimes I felt okay, sometimes the pattern making in my brain got out of control.
Pattern making. Fixing problems. Loving too hard.
It has enveloped me to the point that I am frozen in many other ways
So, I’m on day four of visiting doctors in Arizona, at my psychiatrist’s recommendation. I am extremely grateful to be here. I miss everyone, but I’m meeting similar people who are filling my heart with joy.
I’m excited to fine tune this brain. I know it’s a good one that doesn’t exactly fit society humans have made.
I know that resonates with a lot of you,
”I have a good brain that doesn’t exactly fit this society.”
I really wish this were simpler for all of us.
And I hope whatever pills I end up with look cute.
Please subscribe if you enjoy my writing.
Love, Kelly
The most frustrating and difficult part of living with the brain I have been given has been navigating the mental heath system in America. Yes, more difficult than living with my mental illness (debilitating anxiety & depression, suicidal ideation, etc...) has been finding someone to actually help me. I have been through more psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, and nurse practitioners than I care to remember - and the one thing they've all had in common to this point is a feeling of coldness.
I was about 11 years old the first time I asked my parents if I could speak with a therapist. I knew I was having feelings I couldn't explain and wanted help sorting them out from someone who wasn't my parents (ie objective). From that frustrating first experience with a man older than dust who could not understand or relate less to me and what I was feeling, I have struggled to find exactly that.
Moreover, each time I try, it means an $$$ appointment or three, where I will again brief a quiet stranger with a notepad on the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life after which I am then left to decide if the "match" is good. Well, I just turned 30 at the beginning of this year and I am so tired. I want help; really, I know I need help, and I have been trying so hard to find it for about two decades, but I am running out of ideas for where to turn.
If anyone out there happens to read this and has some secret knowledge of where a person can find affordable, compassionate mental healthcare in this day and age I would love to read what you have to say.
In a complete 180 aside, Kelly, I've been such a fan of you and your writing for a long time. I look forward to a time when I am hopefully in a more financially secure place that I can return a small gesture for all of the laughs and feelings. Wishing you all of the best in your continued journey.
Your brain may be just right for your purpose in life. I have been trained in TM Meditation and Ziva meditation and I must say it quiets my mind to a beautiful, non triggered neutral place. I hope they don't medicate you into complacency. Brilliance looks different to many people. Much love and peace to you on your journey. You've endured a lot of stress and perhaps your parasympathetic nervous system desires a reset and sometimes that is not in the form of medication but drastic lifestyle changes. We love you and your transparent, vulnerable work. You're an absolute treasure of a human being. xo