On Julia Fox and Intrusive Thoughts

My urges to jump into traffic, rip wigs off strangers and stick my fingers down my throat when I’m in a line up at a store made more sense when I was diagnosed AuADHD and Pure O.

I spent most of last night at an event in Vista Del Mar. My friend and one time co-worker, Joey Soloway was hosting Julia Fox’s Livetalks event for DOWN THE DRAIN, her NYT bestseller. I accompanied them as a guest.

Joey is a genius speaker and so is Julia. We all have a lot in common when it comes to curiosities and dabbling of the underbelly. I really liked Julia. She and her friends were warm and excited to meet. This wasn’t surprising, she’s always come across as authentically a girlie’s girlie.

My brain gave me its best version of dress up last night but it hiccuped across its tailored seams when I saw the pump.

The box.

On Julia’s friend’s beautiful bare arm was a box. I’m assuming it was a diabetic pump. It just looked so fresh.

A little box attached to the bicep. Just laying on their arm, begging for me to swat it off.

Thinking about ripping it off the arm and doing it are so different though.

Whether you have mental conditions or not, there are things you think about that you just don’t do. So, by that logic, I’m not too hard on myself when I get an intrusive thought of a baby carriage being pushed into traffic, or swatting a box off the arm of a new friend.

Part of me is so angry I was not diagnosed as a child… forget a child, before thirty-five.

My intrusive thoughts will always be there. I’ve tried the drugs to stop them and, well, awful. I laugh at the stupidity of thoughts as I’m at a red light in front of a gun store imagining a group of men with automatic weapons emerging and firing into the street.

I’ll live with them, moment to moment. Quietly. But, it would be nice to be able to tell someone what thoughts go through my head without going to jail.

I have done a lot of that here this year, sharing things I never normally would.

I can’t tell if it’s done me any good at all.

Maybe I need an influx of new subscribers who are chill and have mental conditions.

We will pray.