My urges to jump into traffic, rip wigs off strangers and stick my fingers down my throat when I’m in a line up at a store made more sense when I was diagnosed AuADHD and Pure O.
I had no idea intrusive thoughts were considered a condition. I have them all the time. But you are right- thinking them and *acting on them* are so different. As a kid- in the 80’s y’all- I used to have terrible thoughts during church that someone was going to come in and start shooting us- this is way before those things actually started happening. The thoughts I had when my kids were babies were terrifying. And they don’t stop. Last night I dropped my fourteen year old daughter off at a football game and she looked back at me to wave and I thought “that’s the last time I’ll ever see her”. (It was not- I picked her up as planned two hours later) BUT STILL-just writing that out makes me cry. I was pretty shaken by that thought. And I get those all the time. Ugh- I need to find a new therapist. Believe it or not writing this out and reading these comments makes me feel a lot less alone. Hugs to everyone.
You’re not alone. You are welcome to share. You are brave to share. You are kind to share and allow others to feel seen and recognized. Let the thought that others see and recognize you, and don’t judge but praise you intrude your brain.
I had intrusive thoughts before I knew what they were. Started when I went into recovery 3 years ago-- I felt like a complete monster because of how graphic and violent they were. I was lucky to be in therapy at the time; but still, I wish I had this post then. Thank you Kelly.
I’m afraid of death and dying and am by no means suicidal, but that doesn’t mean I don’t picture my body bouncing off the windshield of a car whenever one speeds past me in laurel canyon! ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS SNEEZE
Yep, another writer (TV and film but previously novels) with intrusive thoughts. Like others mine peaked post natal, that's when they were really awful. In general they're lower key and they ebb and flow. Anxiety increases -> they get worse. Day to day they're kind of part of my writing process, I guess. I feel like they're maybe part of my brain trying to keep me feeling safe, in a weird way, by running through the worst scenarios. Don't know. Empathy, anyway.
When my oldest was born, we lived in a second story apartment with a courtyard. There was a open-air corridor all the way around with an iron railing that had wide gaps between the bars. My brain tortured me with seeing my baby crawl through the bars and fall, his little head cracked open on the brick below. We had to move because I couldn't stop seeing it. And so began my education in coping with a terrorist for a brain.
I think there are more of us in this secret club than anyone can fathom, and having to move through a world not built for us is the fuel on the fire by way of intrusive thoughts. It's a lot to struggle with, but also, and maybe I speak for myself here, but imagine how boring it would be to go about your day with out any breakthroughs happening…. it's why you’re a talented creator. Boring people are rarely good artists. Not to minimize any of your struggles, just offering my two cents as a fellow nuerodivergent. ❤️
I actually didn’t know this was a thing and thought I was the only weirdo in the world until signing up to your substack. I feel a lot better knowing I’m not alone!! 🩷
The fear of 5150 has 100% hindered my own ability to get help for my mental health problems. I’m sorry that you struggle similarly. I am not/don’t identify as a woman, but I do feel “seen” by your writing and our shared (though obviously different) experiences.
Just here to show membership in the chill and mentally ill single moms club! ADHD not diagnosed until I was 40, OCD with heaping helpings of O and C. Masking like a motherfucker most of the time. Exhausted. High fives to you for sharing, for real!
I always feel like I’m going to just step into traffic, not on purpose, my legs will just do it on their own, or (this sounds so dark) whenever a train comes I back up bc I’m afraid at the last second something will overcome me and I will jump in front of it. I know I won’t…but I’m also not sure. I didn’t think everyone felt this way but kind of assumed alot of people did. We’re not alone with our thoughts!!!! And I love that for us
The pump is called an OmniPod; I’ve worn one for a few years now. It’s the only pump that attaches directly to the skin, while other models look like a beeper with tubes that come out of it & attach to a canola in your skin. Ironically I switched to the OmniPod because of my own intrusive thoughts: the tubes gave me chronic nightmares (I was being tied up and tortured; I was caught in a net while swimming), and when I was awake they gave me panic attacks, resulting in every once in a while consciously ripping them out of my skin (which I also did unconsciously, in my sleep all the time.) Thank you for talking about this... with all the normalization we hear around mental health, this is one topic that still feels... taboo(?) to acknowledge.
“Wait, everyone doesn’t have intrusive thoughts?” is something I said to myself many years ago. A lot used to involve things stabbing me in the eye. Sometimes they’re about getting cut open by a flying piece of metal. And most are some kind of giant object crushing people a la deux ex machina.
The pull into the void is there when I drive.
Anyway, maybe I’ll start dropping them in my writing and my leg will stop bouncing constantly. Thanks Kelly, as always.
I had no idea intrusive thoughts were considered a condition. I have them all the time. But you are right- thinking them and *acting on them* are so different. As a kid- in the 80’s y’all- I used to have terrible thoughts during church that someone was going to come in and start shooting us- this is way before those things actually started happening. The thoughts I had when my kids were babies were terrifying. And they don’t stop. Last night I dropped my fourteen year old daughter off at a football game and she looked back at me to wave and I thought “that’s the last time I’ll ever see her”. (It was not- I picked her up as planned two hours later) BUT STILL-just writing that out makes me cry. I was pretty shaken by that thought. And I get those all the time. Ugh- I need to find a new therapist. Believe it or not writing this out and reading these comments makes me feel a lot less alone. Hugs to everyone.
You’re not alone. You are welcome to share. You are brave to share. You are kind to share and allow others to feel seen and recognized. Let the thought that others see and recognize you, and don’t judge but praise you intrude your brain.
I had intrusive thoughts before I knew what they were. Started when I went into recovery 3 years ago-- I felt like a complete monster because of how graphic and violent they were. I was lucky to be in therapy at the time; but still, I wish I had this post then. Thank you Kelly.
I’m afraid of death and dying and am by no means suicidal, but that doesn’t mean I don’t picture my body bouncing off the windshield of a car whenever one speeds past me in laurel canyon! ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS SNEEZE
Yep, another writer (TV and film but previously novels) with intrusive thoughts. Like others mine peaked post natal, that's when they were really awful. In general they're lower key and they ebb and flow. Anxiety increases -> they get worse. Day to day they're kind of part of my writing process, I guess. I feel like they're maybe part of my brain trying to keep me feeling safe, in a weird way, by running through the worst scenarios. Don't know. Empathy, anyway.
When my oldest was born, we lived in a second story apartment with a courtyard. There was a open-air corridor all the way around with an iron railing that had wide gaps between the bars. My brain tortured me with seeing my baby crawl through the bars and fall, his little head cracked open on the brick below. We had to move because I couldn't stop seeing it. And so began my education in coping with a terrorist for a brain.
I think there are more of us in this secret club than anyone can fathom, and having to move through a world not built for us is the fuel on the fire by way of intrusive thoughts. It's a lot to struggle with, but also, and maybe I speak for myself here, but imagine how boring it would be to go about your day with out any breakthroughs happening…. it's why you’re a talented creator. Boring people are rarely good artists. Not to minimize any of your struggles, just offering my two cents as a fellow nuerodivergent. ❤️
I actually didn’t know this was a thing and thought I was the only weirdo in the world until signing up to your substack. I feel a lot better knowing I’m not alone!! 🩷
I am chill with mental conditions. Xo
My intrusive thoughts are way more horrifying. If that makes you feel any better.
The fear of 5150 has 100% hindered my own ability to get help for my mental health problems. I’m sorry that you struggle similarly. I am not/don’t identify as a woman, but I do feel “seen” by your writing and our shared (though obviously different) experiences.
I do the same thing. The gun store daydream is totally me. You are not alone.
Just here to show membership in the chill and mentally ill single moms club! ADHD not diagnosed until I was 40, OCD with heaping helpings of O and C. Masking like a motherfucker most of the time. Exhausted. High fives to you for sharing, for real!
Same same same Kate! High fives.
I always feel like I’m going to just step into traffic, not on purpose, my legs will just do it on their own, or (this sounds so dark) whenever a train comes I back up bc I’m afraid at the last second something will overcome me and I will jump in front of it. I know I won’t…but I’m also not sure. I didn’t think everyone felt this way but kind of assumed alot of people did. We’re not alone with our thoughts!!!! And I love that for us
The pump is called an OmniPod; I’ve worn one for a few years now. It’s the only pump that attaches directly to the skin, while other models look like a beeper with tubes that come out of it & attach to a canola in your skin. Ironically I switched to the OmniPod because of my own intrusive thoughts: the tubes gave me chronic nightmares (I was being tied up and tortured; I was caught in a net while swimming), and when I was awake they gave me panic attacks, resulting in every once in a while consciously ripping them out of my skin (which I also did unconsciously, in my sleep all the time.) Thank you for talking about this... with all the normalization we hear around mental health, this is one topic that still feels... taboo(?) to acknowledge.
“Wait, everyone doesn’t have intrusive thoughts?” is something I said to myself many years ago. A lot used to involve things stabbing me in the eye. Sometimes they’re about getting cut open by a flying piece of metal. And most are some kind of giant object crushing people a la deux ex machina.
The pull into the void is there when I drive.
Anyway, maybe I’ll start dropping them in my writing and my leg will stop bouncing constantly. Thanks Kelly, as always.