This Is Too Real For Me
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I’ve been physically sick on and off for the past year. My body stopped fighting infections last fall and I’ve been relegated into these bouts of fatigue and fevers. I have doctors, so many doctors. I have an infectious disease doctor, which sounds really glamorous, like Dr. Fauci is at my table. But she basically just looks at my terrible test results and sits on the sidelines appearing to do nothing but hold a dope doctor’s title.
Even though I have someone as glam as an infectious disease doctor on speed dial, I feel like a fucking child. Illness has eaten into my happiness. I have a hard time admitting it because then I’m a failure. A huge fucking failure. Look, I know this is life and you’re thinking, “You aren’t a failure!” But guys? I feel like one. I expect a lot from myself, and I’m not as happy as I was before becoming chronically ill.
But admitting it has stopped becoming optional. I’ve lost a lot of weight and people mention it.
“You’re thin.”
I nod. “I know.”
That’s about as close to discussing my feelings about my health as I can get. Eating makes me nauseated. I don’t have an appetite and I have to force myself to eat every four hours.
The craziest thing is, I never want to be “too much.” But I feel like I’m becoming “too much.” I want to talk about what I’m going through, but I don’t want to be the complaining friend. So I try not to complain, instead I sit here wanting to punch holes in the wall in frustration. I will not punch a hole through the wall because I already have one broken window I haven’t fixed and in my hall closet lie four dead vacuums and frankly I’m not sure I have the arm strength. But the frustration sits with me.
Maintaining relationships while trying to work full-time, be a single mom and get through these health issues has been the worst experience of my life. Hands down.
BUT
Every morning, I just say, sorry kid to my body and pump it full of healthy food and do my pilates. I write. I hang out with my daughter. I call my friends and lovers and make plans to see them. And when I’m alone I sink into the bottom of my couch with my weighted blanket on me and try really, really hard to be kind.
This Is Too Real For Me
So damned sorry. Not on the level of your issues, I’ve had long COVID since Sept 20 and understand what you’re going through somewhat. Sending love and good thoughts your way.
As someone who has a rare skin condition, it is actually a rare form of a rare skin condition if I really get into it and is only on the right side of my body (if it could be even more random and unbalanced), I understand where you are coming from on many different levels. Unless you really pay attention, you don't see it since hiding it is something of my everyday routine. It is on every separate part of the right side in some way, hand all the way down to my toes. Changing my diet cleared it up a bit, no gluten etc. Also, red-light therapy and different oils. I too do not speak about it. We all have something. It went misdiagnosed until I was thirteen. I even was subjected to a round table of doctors when I was eleven, which means you and a bunch of other sick kids are put into a room by yourself and at least ten doctors come in one by one, asking a bunch of non-sensical questions for them to later discuss at a round table, hence the name, and all they could come up with is put calamine lotion on it, like I had not done that already. I had a bin of steroid creams and even steroid skin tape (that is a thing) which honestly are even worse than the actual skin condition. They basically threw their hands up metaphorically declaring me a medical mystery and I should be grateful it is not life threatening. I ended up getting really sick in high school, unrelated to this, and it was eventually diagnosed as Lyme disease and went into remission twice with 90 supplements a day for months. The two things that have helped me the most, if you have not tried or been exposed to yet, are Kinesthesiology (muscle testing) and Electromagnetic Therapy. The latter requires a body scan, and it also includes where you store emotions in your body, it's truly fascinating. I carry fear in my knees of all places, but it honestly grounds me to know what some of these body aches are if that makes sense. They also give you little drops to take to reset the magnetic fields in your body and I don't care if it is just a placebo, it works. I have also lost a lot of weight recently, yay stress, and get called "skelator" among many other degrading things because everyone is miserable these days, so I understand the inner rage and the difficulty it is to be kind, even to yourself. Do not mean to overshare, maybe just let you know you are not alone as I read this and feel less alone as well. The weighted blanket is a true friend. The following are a list, nothing new or groundbreaking, just suggestions, in the same realm of a weighted blanket, that bring me comfort in these times. Weighted Eye Pillow/Mask, copper dry brush, Infrared Sauna Blanket, PEMF Therapy Mat, Accupressure Mat, Moon Pod, The New York Times Wordle, meditation bench, singing bowls, Gua Shua, and a Jade Roller. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes being too much makes us feel like we are not enough, and I appreciate the candor. Much love. xx